I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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