I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
