I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
