wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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