Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
