Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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