just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
