The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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