Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
