That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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