i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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