exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
