this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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