Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
