I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
