I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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