He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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