Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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