News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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