saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
