i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
