I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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