id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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