WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
