....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
