WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
tell me about the eggs
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
