I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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