um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
