i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
