I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
