I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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