There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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