apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it was like eating out sand paper
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
