you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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