i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
