i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
