Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
