Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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