My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Randomize
