i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
