I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
did i just pee glitter
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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