Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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