Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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