i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
