Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
