why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
