If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
