You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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