Please, let me fuck your mom
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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