In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
