how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
