wanna go halves on a baby?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
