I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
